


Little Secrets

by earthphoenix (roughknuckles)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blood, Boys Kissing, Dubious Consent, Healing, Homework, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kissing, Libraries, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Self Harm, Transformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-25
Updated: 2007-10-25
Packaged: 2018-01-13 09:55:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1221934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughknuckles/pseuds/earthphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blood and transformation. Ambiguous consent. Addressing what might have happened if the marauders never discovered Remus's secret, but Severus did. Examines the sort of relationship they might have been allowed to develop under these parameters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Pain shot up Severus Snape's tailbone; up his young back as he sat on the wood floor, the curve of his spine against the plastered, but unpainted wall. It reminded him of his room at home, grey and dull, where the nails and seams of the plywood were visible in most areas. The sky outside was just beginning to go orange and the soft light attempted to spill into the dark room, splintered and jagged across the floor. But Severus's gaze was steady, transfixed even on the figure of a boy not ten feet away from him.  
   
Remus Lupin's angular figure cast shadows across the rough floor as he dropped his tie on the back of a chair, his thin, scarred fingers undoing the sewn and re-sewn buttons on his shirt before he hung that over the back of the chair too. He could already feel his bones ache and he moved like an old man, all of his joints swollen inside and grinding. His belt was next, laid over the seat of the chair and then his trousers, underwear and shoes. Remus's socks were the last items to be laid on the chair before the boy shoved the whole chair into a closet, closing it carefully. The light of the setting sun through the roughly made shutters cast slashes of gold light over his bare back.  
   
 _Who would make you do this?_ Severus watched, but did nothing, said, nothing. In his experience fathers were to blame for this sort of behavior. But there was no one else around, none that he could see, so Severus sat quietly. He knew there was something about Remus Lupin, something different, something secret, something he would finally understand after tonight.  
   
Remus straightened painfully, rubbing one of his arms as he walked to the dilapidated four-poster bed and laid on it, quiet. His eyes looked dim and his young mouth was pressed in a thin, somber line as he waited, eyes shifting now and then to the window.  
   
Severus followed Remus's gaze, though did not move, he did not dare. His skill in invisibility was based solely on willpower - one he had mastered since he was nine. If he moved, he would become visible again. Someday he would learn the skill properly, in the meantime, this was sufficient.   
   
The light outside began to fade, slashes of light moving up the wall until they began to disappear. The boy on the bed started to gasp quietly, fists clenched in the bedclothes under him. One hand started to tremble, the shaking moving quickly up Lupin's arm to his torso, as his breathing grew louder, quicker. He gasped and cried out as the change came faster now, his neck thrashing, arms wrenching outwards for something to hang onto in the isolation before he choked and a huge red gash appeared across his neck. "NO!"  
   
Severus frowned, drawing up his knees closer to his chest, his face hiding just behind both his hands which he had over this mouth. It looked as though someone invisible was torturing Remus.   
   
Lupin's body started to seize and convulse as his teeth changed and the boy SCREAMED out, the desperate, bone-chilling sound turning to something rougher as his joints popped and his bones shot longer, legs breaking backwards, blood soaking the bed under him.  
   
The Slytherin boy was petrified by fear. He usually considered himself a champion for justice, but this was horrible. It continued to knot in the boy, his breathing erratic until he sprang to his feet and attacked the invisible threat, throwing himself over Remus’s body, shielding him, "LEAVE HIM ALONE."  
   
Remus screamed again, or tried to as his face was broken and mutilated, distorted beyond recognition. His bleeding, broken skin sprouted soft hair, a pale, caramel and white until a creature lay gasping on the bed with claws an inch long, and teeth even longer. A huge, distorted wolf was in the place where Lupin had been a second ago, slices of silver moonlight making his white streaks of fur look silvery.  
   
It took Severus longer to understand this. He held Remus, his cheek wet with the boy’s blood, and yet, now soft. Not hair, but fur. "Oh" he gasped, eyes wide as his hand which had been around the boy’s chest, was now pressed against the wolf’s rib cage.  
   
"Oooo, oooooooo ...." the cub panted, it's paws far, far too large for it's body as he lifted his head, blinking still blue eyes.  
   
Severus did not flee, but he did not draw closer either - exactly where he lay, he began to pet his hand over the wolf’s chest, "Good … good … yes … good."  
   
The wolf licked it's lips and rolled over onto it's stomach, trying to stand on still unsteady legs, sizing Snape up with large eyes.   
   
"Easy … easy …" Severus still didn’t move, but swallowed, his own dark eyes, wide, looking at the wolf, but what still seemed like Remus’s eyes.  
   
One huge paw landed in the middle of Severus's thin chest, pinning him down easily, claws putting holes in his dark robe. "Rrrrrrrr ..." the wolf started to snuffle around him, licking it's chops.  
   
Barely even able to manage a gasp as the pressure was applied to his chest, as he lay, perfectly submissive, "Remus …?"  
   
The wolf's lips pulled back, baring sharp, white teeth, curved like terrifying, foreign knives and dripping with saliva. Young though it was, the wolf was strong, and it's snarl was deep and loud.  
   
Severus closed his eyes which had blurred with hot, salty tears. He sniffed, but otherwise barely made a sound. Even if he could get his wand, he couldn't attack the wolf, not now, knowing who it really was.  
   
The werewolf pawed at Snape, patting his shoulder with a huge paw before he jumped onto the bed, grabbing a pillow and ripping it apart. He batted at Severus again, then bowed, assuming a play stance.  
   
Air flooded Severus’s chest and he swallowed, looking up, watching the wolf before he rolled over onto his stomach, on his hands and knees, bowed his head low, attempting to initiate play or friendliness as well.  
   
Another bat against Snape's shoulder, harder, knocked the boy into a wall and the wolf leapt down off the bed, stalking him.  
   
"Easy … easy …" Severus felt himself backed up into a corner, his robes nearly torn to nothing, he kept his back against the wall and began to move down it slowly, inching away from the wolf.  
   
In two quick steps and a growl the wolf snapped at Snape again, teeth catching a sleeve of Severus's robe and pulled it off.  
   
Severus’s mind was crowded with too many thoughts. He knew he couldn't run for it, and was worried that he’d lose a leg in the process of climbing up into the rafters. The closest option was the nearest door, the closet door, which Severus opened and slipped inside while the wolf tore his robe sleeve into pieces. He closed and locked himself inside with Remus’s clothes. It was all he knew to do.  
   
The werewolf slammed his shoulder into the door, roaring with rage at his dinner being hidden. The wooden door rattled and a hinge began to come loose at the top.  
   
Severus looked up, watching at the hint of light flaring in each time the wolf slammed his body against the door. With fortifying charms, he used pieces of wood in the closet to brace the door, making it more solid. He hesitated however, shaking a little as silver liquid poured from the tip of his wand, tracing it along the floor, letting it spill out under the crack of the door frame.  
   
Another roar of fury and the wolf started to dig under the door, but howled in pain as it's paw caught some of the silver. Lupin ran back, dragging his paw against the floor, desperate to get the painful substance off.  
   
"I'm sorry." Severus whimpered to himself, drawing his knees up to his chest, back against the wall, reduced to hiding in closets again.  
   
The werewolf didn't stop trying to get at his food inside the closet all night, beating his body against the door, trying to pry it open, worst of all, trying to chew through the dense wood, leaving it's poison against the wood, sizzling a little. Mercifully, dawn came early, Summer having just left, and the wolf calmed by degrees before collapsing on the worn rug in the middle of the room and undergoing the painful change back into a smaller human form.  
   
Remus lay gasping in a small pool of his own blood, coughing and trying to drag his literally broken limbs over to the bed without any success. He shouted softly as the bones started to fuse again and passed out there, naked and bruised all over, half of his face in the puddle of red.  
   
Quietly, he was wrapped in blankets, and his hands and face wiped clean of blood and silver residue alike. I'm sorry.  
   
The boy's eyelids fluttered a little, but he was too exhausted to wake at the sensation of care, no matter how foreign it was. He was as limp and pale as though he was dead in the middle of the floor, at the scene of a grizzly murder.  
   
Cleaned and dressed the best he could manage, Severus took Remus to the hospital wing, careful to use unpopular routs, even this early in the morning. He was not permitted to stay after explaining that Remus needed to be treated for silver burns. And yet Severus was not particularly one for directions. He waited, his robes barely hanging on his frame, and yet completely unaware of that fact as he stood, just outside the hospital wing door, which he opened just a crack so that he could watch.  
   
Madam Pomprey, puzzled as she was by Remus's early arrival into the wing, especially assisted by Severus Snape had no time for questions as she worked feverishly to heal the burns to Remus's skin, mostly successful.   
   
A hand fell on Severus's shoulder, "Severus ... I was hoping we could chat." Albus Dumbledore stood behind Snape, solemn faced.  
   
The boy jumped and drew back, standing quickly to his full height. "Yes Sir."   
   
Dumbledore nodded and guided Severus away from the hospital wing, only speaking again when they were shut in his office. All of the portraits were still sleeping soundly. "An early morning, Severus ... may I offer you a blanket?"  
   
On the Victorian chair of Dumbledore’s office, only now was Severus vaguely aware of his state, he raised a hand to his shoulder, arm crossing and covering his chest, "Please, Sir."  
   
Looking only at Severus's face, Albus handed the boy a large, soft purple blanket that was already warm.  
   
"Thank you." Severus drew the blanket around him, over his chest and back, covering his arms like a cloak. In a game of make believe, he could pass for a royal young noble. Though proud in the best sense, and noble and honorable with those that mattered, this was not make believe; what had happened, what he had seen was very real.   
   
"Madam Pomprey told me that you brought Mr. Lupin into the hospital wing this morning ... and by the state of your dress, I can guess that you've discovered his long-kept secret, and mine."  
   
"Yes, Sir."  
   
"Are you bitten?"  
   
"No- No, Sir."  
   
"I will spare you an examination, trust me, if you had even been infected through a scratch, you would be in the worst pain of your life. You would know. How did you come upon Mr. Lupin?"  
   
Severus shook his head, "I followed him … no" he corrected, "I’ve watched him before, where he goes, this time, I went before him … I went to the shack and hid myself until he arrived and … I was there … I watched."  
   
"All night?"  
   
"Yes ... I locked myself in a closet."  
   
"Did he see you?" Albus leaned over his desk, his blue eyes sharp, interested.  
   
"No ... that is, Remus did not ... no. The ... he did, as a wolf."  
   
"Then he will probably not remember." Dumbledore sighed, floating a cup of tea to Severus. "Remus's mother came to me a year before he came to Hogwart's, she said she knew there was next to no chance that her son would ever receive a normal wizarding education, and instead asked for permission to teach him herself, at home, at least enough that he could blend in with other members of our world. I met with Mr. Lupin, and found that he was a very studious, very careful young man who fully understood- as much as a boy of ten can understand, what his infection meant for himself and for others around him. It was my decision to admit him to Hogwart's with several precautions to protect other students from him which, until now, have been effective." Albus looked Severus in the eye, reading him, "If his secret were widely known in this school, I would have no choice but to expel Mr. Lupin, despite his hard work and contributions to his fellow students, do you understand?"  
   
"I understand." Severus held the tea in his lap, looking back at Dumbledore just as steadily.  
   
"Do you feel Remus should be removed from school?"  
   
"No ..." The answer came quickly, before Severus actually considered Remus as a threat, he still thought of him as a boy, in pain.  
   
"Why not?"  
   
"He's not a threat ... he knows what he is- what he is capable of, isn't he? But he doesn't use that to ... I don't know, to hurt anyone." Severus was not speaking as clearly and smoothly as he was known for in classes. He was still slightly shaken, but had also never before asked to share moral opinions before, with anyone.   
   
Dumbledore seemed satisfied by the answer, but was deeply interested. Severus was a cynical young man, not prone to forgiveness and compassion ... and yet ... "What did you see Mr. Lupin undergo?"  
   
"His … skin-" Severus’s eyes widened and darkened all at once, "his transformation … being … torn open and …" _Pain_.  
   
Severus's compassion was genuine, and Albus nodded, offering him a plate of cookies, "Here, take one, it will help."  
   
"How will a cookie, help."  
   
"I don't believe you've eaten all night, Severus, but if you don't care for one, that's fine too." Albus set the plate down, "Do you plan to tell Mr. Lupin that you know?"  
   
"No ... should I?"  
   
"I will leave that up to you, it may be a relief for Remus not to have to hide his reality from everyone at school."  
   
Severus considered this, not sure that Remus would want him to know, if he had ever trusted someone, they would already know. Maybe he could show Remus, he could be trusted, "Yes, Sir."  
   
"Then I will leave you to rest in your own bed, Mr. Snape ... keep the blanket."  
   
"Thank you, Sir." Severus stood stiffly, gathering the blanket around him.  
   
"Thank you, Severus. Good night."


	2. Chapter 2

The day after Remus's first, long day of recovery, he was sitting in a dark corner of the library, with books piled in five different stacks and a neat pile of notes in a scrawling, erratic hand before him. As always, the tall boy looked worn and pale, but even more tired than usual with one leg up on another chair before him.  
   
"Nice little fortress you have here."  
   
Remus looked up quickly, his eyes wary as he looked to Severus Snape, where he stood near Remus's desk. Lupin shifted a little, swallowing and nodded, "Thanks, lots of work."  
   
'"Do you mind if I sit here? I need to use some of the books you've pulled."  
   
To say Remus looked surprised would be an understatement, "Ehm, alright." Remus moved over a little, "Pick whichever you need ... I have enough to keep me busy for some time." His eyes were downcast and Remus's shoulders curled inwards a little.  
   
Severus pulled one off the top, his fingers curled around the top of a chair which he pulled out, "Unless you want your privacy."  
   
"No, no." Remus re-adjusted his chair, easing his leg down from the other seat with a strained look that he tried to hide, "I don't mind."  
   
"Thanks." Severus sat, placing the book in his lap as he opened it, one he had actually gone through last month, but paged through it slowly anyway, watching Remus when he could.  
   
Remus looked to Snape curiously, furtively before opening another book and focusing on it instead, his long fingers tracking his quick progress down the pages before turning them.  
   
The Slytherin let the silence linger, letting Remus get used to him just being there, next to him, just as he would like if someone tried to approach him instead.  
   
Remus cleared his throat, "Are you going to the match, Friday?"  
   
"Who's playing?"  
   
"Slytherin and Ravenclaw." Remus looked up furtively as he turned a page.  
   
"I suppose. You?"  
   
" ... me?"  
   
"Are you going to watch? Use it as an excuse to get outside?"  
   
Remus took a deep breath, "If the weather is nice enough, I might ... I usually prefer just going for walks or studying outdoors."  
   
"You're right ... if it's nice, going for a walk sounds much better then sitting up in the stands, cramped up against a bunch of screaming idiots."  
   
The other boy bit his lip and nodded, smiling a little, "I suppose I'm used to screaming idiots." He confessed quietly.  
   
"Oh ... right."  
   
Remus shrugged quietly, "House hazard, I suppose-" He sank under the book's cover again.  
   
"Well ... it's not like that's who you always have to be around, there are people from three other houses to choose from ... and that's not counting ghosts or professors."  
   
"I ... I guess that's true." He smiled a little, "They're alright, really, just ... high maintenance."  
   
"And you're not?" Severus said before he knew it, swallowed, and looked away, "Sorry, didn't mean that."  
   
Remus blinked and relaxed, finally, something he expected from Snape. "It's okay ..." he nodded, "I suppose I can be."  
   
"Not in the usual sense, though."  
   
"Oh ..." Remus tilted his head, "thanks." He pulled back a little more and bent his head down over the book again, his light hair hiding his face.  
   
Severus cursed to himself, "I just … buggered that up." He sighed, "Sorry, I’ll let you work. Maybe …" _maybe, what, Severus? You’ll talk later? Go for that walk?_ "Later."  
   
"Buggered what up?" Remus blinked, confused, "I'm sorry, I think I don't understand."  
   
"Talking to you ... just ... talking."  
   
Remus looked around, "Oh ... it wasn't that bad, actually. I'm also very, very bad at talking. Horrific actually, if I could sew my mouth closed, I would."  
   
"That seems counter-productive."  
   
"Yes ... it would."  
   
The silence was long and scorching.  
   
"I'm sorry. For some reason you wanted to speak to me, and ... it's okay, I'm just wondering why?"  
   
"Right ... right, I suppose I would wonder why too. I suppose ... I don't see any reason for us ... _not_ to talk."  
   
"Except for my dorm-mates who torture you at any chance." Remus licked his lips, "Which I don't agree with. If it helps, they bother me in private." The blue eyed boy looked apologetic, his hands spread.  
   
"Right ... that's what I mean. That's your dorm mates, not _you_."  
   
"I honestly try to tell them not to, but you know how they are." Remus nodded, his toes curling in his worn shoes. "It really does make me feel sort of sick."  
   
"But ... I don't blame you, yeah? So ... maybe, we can still talk, sometime?"  
   
"Sure," Remus nodded, still completely puzzled, "we will, then."  
   
"Okay." Severus nodded once, feeling that's all he'd be able to manage today anyway.  
   
"Okay." Remus looked up, their eyes catching for a moment. His toes curled again, "Maybe, would you like to study tomorrow? Outside?"  
   
"Sure ..." Severus nodded, "Yes, alright." He seemed more agreeable to it the longer he thought about it.  
   
"After class? There's a nice clearing by the lake."  
   
"Right ... I know the area you are referring to."  
   
"Great, so I'll meet you then." He smiled awkwardly.  
   
Severus nodded and got up, a little proud of himself before he pushed in his chair and left Remus to his work.  
   
Remus Lupin stared at the same page for half an hour, trying desperately not to be hopeful.

 

* * *  
 

Severus did meet Remus in the clearing after class, still in his school uniform and a bag with his supplies and books. He sat against a rock, his back to the lake, rather then the forest.  
   
Lupin walked over slowly, smiling when he got closer to Severus. Shocked that the Slytherin was really there. "Hi," he murmured, folding his long legs under his body as he sat, setting his books in front of him, hair falling in his eyes. "I hope you brought arithmancy, because that's what I brought."  
   
"Is that what you're having trouble with?"  
   
"Right now, yes." He nodded, blowing a little of his hair out of his face.  
   
"Alright ..." Severus crossed his legs under him as he slid down the rock and sat on the ground, directly across from Remus, his back to the sun.  
   
"I'm sure you're not having trouble with anything." Remus smiled a little.  
   
"One thing, in particular, at the moment." He said, pulling out his notes from class, placing them in his lap, "Where would you like to start?"  
   
"You're ... really having trouble with something?" Remus blinked, shocked. "I'm sorry, you're just so ... smart."  
   
"Where would you like to start?"  
   
Remus blushed, looking down at his book again, "Page three hundred and ninety four?"

 

* * *  
 

When the wind picked up from across the lake, Severus shivered, the two had been working together quite well, if he allowed himself to admit it. But he was getting cold, and knew that the dorms would be just as miserable under the lake. "Are you cold?" He asked the other young boy who looked completely unaffected.  
   
Remus's eyes focused on Severus's lips for a moment and then up to his eyes, "A little, should we move inside?" Remus already began to collect his books and stand, holding a hand out to help Snape up.  
   
Severus was pushing his things into his bag when he sat up and took Remus’s hand, standing and then paused.  
   
They were the same height now, their eyes lined up perfectly, their noses, their chins. It was hard to say exactly what happened, it was like a shiver, but exactly the opposite of the cold feeling.  
   
"Thanks." Severus managed, looking at Remus, his eyes. Not seeing (never seeing) his scars that cut across the bridge of his nose or around his wrists.  
   
Remus took off his grey jacket and put it over Snape's shoulders, then stepped back. "I'm not cold, really ... inside?"  
   
Severus’s features seemed to soften, just a little, he pinched the collar of the jacket just under his throat, it was warm and smelled like Remus, something Severus had yet to really experience. "Please."  
   
Remus smiled, caught off guard and waited for Severus to move first. "Do you ... um ... this way?" Remus nodded, leading Severus a little, not turning his back on the dark-eyed boy.  
   
"Do I?" Severus prompted, walking with Remus, space between them, though side by side as they began to head back towards the castle.  
   
"Nothing, it was just me mumbling." He smiled, not able to help himself, "I mumble sometimes when I'm nervous."  
   
"Why are you nervous?"  
   
"Just ... I'm usually very alone, I'm not used to walking with ... people, well, _you_. It's ... nice, it is, but I'm nervous and oh dear gods, now I can't stop talking."  
   
"Embarrassed, now?" Severus smirked a little.  
   
"Um ... yes. I ... oh no, oh no, I ... yes. Yes, I am, I'm sorry. I embarrass easily, and then I start to ramble and that embarrasses me even more. Sorry." Remus looked alternately pleased and like he wished he could fall into the ground.  
   
Severus just smirked further, "It’s not like I'm going to tell anyone. It’s cute. And I'm sure-" Severus added quickly, "that I'm bound to embarrass myself as well."  
   
They reached one of the side doors of the castle, which Remus opened for Snape, " ... ... I'm ... cute?"  
   
Severus fisted the jacket, not necessarily wanting to give it up, but unable to manage an excuse to keep it any longer. It wasn't like he could just say, _hey Remus, this smells really good, can I hang onto it?_ He let the jacket slip from his shoulders and passed it back to Remus, "Thanks for letting me borrow this."  
   
"Oh ... are we done?" He took the jacket again, licking his lips.  
   
"Uh ... no, we don't need to be ... where would you like to go?"  
   
"We could be ... if you want to be done ..." Remus cleared his throat again.  
   
"No..." Severus rubbed the back of his neck, thinking with a frown, "Maybe, after dinner?"  
   
"Sure!" Remus flashed a rare, bright smile, "library?"  
   
"Okay." Severus nodded, "back in your corner?"  
   
"Please ... I mean yes, it'd be good ... I mean ... sure."


	3. Chapter 3

A year now since Severus Snape’s curiosity first led him into the shrieking shack and discovered Remus Lupin’s secret. Some months (not always), but sometimes he would still go there, watch Remus transform, then hide away in the rafters or the closet once again, waiting out the night for his friend. Sometimes he’d leave things for Remus, for his inner wolf; once he brought him a football, which lasted all of twenty minutes. But usually he left a little something of himself, a shirt or pillow that had his scent on it, curious to see the wolf’s reaction, if he got used to it, or despised it, the scent of man.  
   
Remus had no idea why, and he was afraid to question it, but the transformations hadn't been quite as hard lately, he'd woken with less tears in his skin, less self-mutilation. He was just coming out of the hospital wing, rubbing a shoulder on his way to the library, despite his study sessions with Severus. Remus had far too much work this year to waste time resting upstairs and he headed to the library, slowly and gingerly.  
   
Though when Remus approached the Slytheirn in the library, the young man was clearly pleased to see Remus, and yet, "What … what are you doing here?"  
   
"Studying, or I will be ..." Remus walked to his chair and sat down very, very slowly, obviously still in pain and white as a sheet. "How are you?"  
   
"No ... you're not. You ... go to bed."  
   
"Just ... stomach flu. I'm fine." He smiled a little.  
   
"Remus."  
   
"Really, Severus, stop worrying." He opened the book with a shaking hand and sighed deeply, "I'm sitting down, it's fine. I can study and rest at the same time."  
   
"You don’t need to study. You know the material. You need to rest."  
   
"I won't get any rest upstairs, not with Sirius and James." Remus smiled Severus's worries off, "This is the best place for me, really. I've looked worse."  
   
"I know you have." Severus was sitting in his chair, stiff and upright, "Why didn't you stay in the hospital wing?"  
   
Remus paused now, pursing his lips as he continued to read, "Because I felt well enough to leave." _And I knew you were here._  
   
"Remus. There is no reason to force yourself. You've been up all night. This ..." Severus closed the book for Remus, "can wait."  
   
Remus didn't know why Severus hadn't questioned his frequent illnesses and absences, he was far more observant than any of Remus's quidditch obsessed dorm-mates who would only know a werewolf if it had it's own quidditch league and wanted to challenge the Gryffindor team for their souls. For some reason, Severus allowed Remus his privacy, and his own decisions until now. "Severus," he took a deep, patient breath, levelling his tired, bloodshot eyes at his dark-eyed friend, "I don't need to go back to the hospital wing. Alright?"  
   
"Fine. Not the hospital wing. But somewhere, anywhere, just to lay down. You need it. I know you do."  
   
"You do?" Remus arched an eyebrow, drawing his coat a little closer around his thin frame. Another sigh and Remus looked up, Severus looked undefeatable at the moment and Remus didn't even bother trying to stare him down this time. Surprisingly, sometimes Remus won their little staring contests, and swore he saw Severus smile a little every time he lost, but forced the knowledge to the back of his mind, with other guilty pleasures. "Very well, if it will make you feel a little better, I'll lay down, but not in the hospital and not in my dorm room."  
   
"Where will you go?"  
   
"Since you're the one insisting," Remus smiled with maddening patience and calm, "I'll leave that up to you." The book opened once more and Remus spread it over his lap, head bowed as he read.  
   
Severus reached over and closed the book for Remus, standing and pushing their things into his bag, not distinguishing the difference between what belonged to whom. "Come on."  
   
"You ... have a place in mind?" Remus honestly had hoped Severus would accept that there was no suitable compromise and let them study as normal, which was all Remus longed for at the moment. Normal.  
   
"Yes, since I'm insisting."  
   
"Where?" Remus frowned, wary as he put his hand on the desk and began to stand.  
   
"Does it matter?" Severus touched the underside of Remus’s arm, "Remus?"  
   
Remus froze for an instant, it was painful, his bone was still settling there, but smiled and straightened on his own, "Lead the way."  
   
But Severus did not pull or tighten his grip, he was oddly careful, only directing Remus to come along with him, taking stairs that moved down, rather then ones that forced them to walk upwards. They continued like this until Severus led Remus directly to the entrance to the Slytherin common room and dorms, "Does it matter now?" He asked, as the entrance opened up before them.  
   
Remus swallowed and shook his head, "No, of course not." _You're the one who has to live here, with the teasing if anyone sees this_.  
   
Severus made his decision, and led Remus down into the Slytherin dudgeons, forbidden to all others. This however was not a tour, he gave Remus little time to look, but led him directly down a hall, entering into the first room on the left, "Here," he said, as he closed the door behind him. One bed was obviously used, books and papers and potion supplies in a strange state of mass organization around two desks pushed together. The second, third and fourth bed in the dorm were completely unused. "Whichever you like."  
   
"Oh ... " He finally let out a sigh of relief, Severus's room was thankfully close to the entrance and Remus didn't think they'd been spotted by anyone in the dark common room. Even the dorm rooms in Slytherin had a creepy beauty to them, the canopies of the beds were hung from the ceiling with heavy black chains and all the beds were dressed with gleaming emerald blankets and crisp, pale grey sheets. Remus walked to the bed next to Severus's and sat on it, "you don't have dorm mates?"  
   
"No." Severus put their things down on the floor, at the foot of his bed, "I ... don't have a change of clothes that would fit you, will you be fine in what you have?"  
   
"Yes, thank you. How did you manage to get a room to yourself?" Remus asked with barely disguised envy.  
   
"By being unpopular." Severus moved to the far wall and began to draw the shades over the glass that held back a portion of the lake.  
   
"Funny, it didn't get me a room of my own." Remus watched Severus move, only then realizing what he was covering, looking at the haunting world underwater before it was hidden from view.  
   
"You're popular. People like you, Remus. They don't fear you."  
   
Remus didn't respond, he just took his shoes off, toeing them neatly to the side before he let himself lay down over the covers, his head sinking into the overstuffed pillow. _I should have asked to be in this house, even just for the pillows ..._ "It's a beautiful room, Severus."  
   
Severus seemed to be pleased by this, "Just get some rest, alright."  
   
"I am resting, thank you." Remus's eyes stayed open, the green under his head making them look even more strikingly blue now that his light brown hair had fallen back from his thin face that would even have been handsome were it not for the odd scars across his profile, which he explained, were caused by being mauled by a dog when he was very young.  
   
Severus disappeared into the bathroom for a moment, leaving the door open as he poured himself a glass of water, drinking, then going back out into the room and pulling himself up onto his bed, laying on his side, watching Remus. Parted by the space between the two beds.  
   
Remus's eyes were closed, his barely visible, light eyelashes shimmering a little on his white skin as his chest rose and fell slowly, peacefully. Remus's feet, even shoeless, almost reached the end of the bed and now that his body had relaxed, he looked graceful laying there, arranged just so in the bed.

 

* * *

 

"Werewolves," Professor Pitt began, leading the fifth year Defence against Dark Arts class into the forbidden forest, "are among the most notorious and terrifying dark creatures in any world." The professor's showy, scarlet robe dragged behind him as he stepped up on a mound of earth, lecturing as the students gathered around him, looking up. "Where are you all on your knowledge of these beasts? Anyone?"  
   
Pettigrew's hand shot into the air, and the Professor nodded, "Pettigrew-"  
   
"They hunt children on full moons and steal babies from cribs."  
   
"Very good, anyone else?"  
   
Severus was grumbly and looked very keen on strangling someone today. It was clear to him, only now, that limited members of staff, probably only Dumbledore, the school nurse, and Remus’s head of house were aware of his condition. This idiot was making himself look even _more_ like an idiot. Not interested in this class at all, Severus was finding more interest in collecting mushroom and liken samples they passed. Fungi was more exciting then these lies.  
   
Remus hung back, thankful that Severus didn't seem to be listening to the misconceptions either, and that his mushroom and lichen gathering gave Remus an excuse to be distracted. Severus was a distraction no matter what the subject matter, true, but there was something strangely calming about watching his dark form move from tree to tree like a shadow, or a large raven and selectively focus on a particular growth. It was a wonder the bark under Severus's coal-dark eyes didn't burst into flame from the intensity of his gaze, Remus often felt the cells of his body struggling to stay together under Snape's attention. Not that Remus thought Severus looked at him like that, like something he wanted ...  
   
"Werewolves often live apart from wizarding society, preferring to run wild and feral in dark, large forests such as these. The forbidden forest has long been known to house many of the monsters, who probably roam in packs, terrorizing villages at night with their venom and claws."  
   
Sirius's hand shot in the air, "Well, why haven't we seen any at school then? If they're rife in these woods, hunting people, don't you think they'd come knocking on the door once or twice. We are only the largest gathering of fresh young blood in Great Britain, aren't we?"  
   
"Excellent tact as ever." Severus mumbled to himself. Every so often, looking up, into the dark woods, then back at his peers, glancing to Remus to see where he was.  
   
The professor just shrugged and sputtered a little, "Dumbledore, naturally. Besides, werewolves, even in human form aren't sophisticated or smart enough to work doors that they can't just plow through."  
   
Severus breathed out his nose sharply, his hand passed by a tree, nails digging into the bark as he kept quiet.  
   
"At any rate-" the professor pulled a long, completely silver dagger with a cross carved into it's handle and the class gasped. "This," he continued, "is an example of the solid silver knives used by slayers and aurors to kill werewolves. The softness of the metal is negligible in this instance as even in their human forms, the monsters can't tolerate the touch of what's considered to be the holiest of metals. I'll pass it around, don't cut yourselves now."  
   
The knife was handed to James, who mouthed "cool" and looked at it in his hands, even mimicking slicing with it before he passed it to Peter, who did the same and passed it to Sirius, who just shrugged and handed it over ... Remus felt all eyes on him, expecting him to take it calmly, examine it and pass it over, not touch it and scream bloody murder as his skin started to bubble.  
   
Severus’s hand snatched the dagger from Sirius and scowled at the pureblood, as if he were the greatest offence in the world, "I don’t think you should impose your own religious superstition upon students, professor."  
   
Remus had reached his hand out, steeling himself silently for the pain, hoping he could pass it on quickly enough that he wouldn't cry out first when Severus intervened, snatching it away.  
   
The professor glared, "Hold your tongue, Mr. Snape or I'll take twenty points from your house. When you teach the class, you may decide what is and isn't an appropriate demonstration."  
   
"I’ll do that." Severus sneered, not passing the dagger to Remus; nor did any student necessarily want to attempt to take the weapon from the boy known to be versed in dark magic.  
   
"Very well" the professor sighed, looking at his watch, "and with your exam at the beginning of class, that brings us to the end of today. Dismissed! Pass the dagger back to me when everyone has seen it."  
   
Most students grumbled and walked away, not caring about the dagger in the least. Remus had withdrawn a little ways, nodding for the other Gryffindors to go on as he crossed his arms, examining the peeling bark of a birch tree with a set jaw and almost ash colored face.  
   
Severus strode up to the professor, holding the dagger by the hilt before turning it in his hand and handing it back over.  
   
Professor Pitt took it back with an icy glare and turned on his heel, leaving the two dawdling students to follow on their own. It was the end of the day, and Pitt was glad to be done with them.  
   
"Remus." Severus said after the others were well on their way back, he picked up his bag with a tense sigh.  
   
A breeze rippled through the autumn woods and Remus Lupin was the only thing that didn't sway an inch.  
   
"Are you angry with me?" Severus frowned slightly.  
   
"No ..." Remus turned, his eyes raw and red in his pained face. "How?"  
   
Severus paled considerably by this reaction, "How do I know?"  
   
"I'm careful." Remus managed out in a tight, rough voice, "I'm as careful as I can be not to give myself away ... it takes effort, but- I just want to know how I slipped up?"  
   
"You didn't … Remus, you didn't. I followed you, last year."  
   
"What!?" He hadn't expected it and the revelation hit him like a fist to the gut. "Did I-" he couldn't continue further with the horrific thought that he'd bitten Snape and that's why they were suddenly so close, so able to understand each other.  
   
"You didn't bite me. You didn't hurt me ... I ... I wanted to know where you went ... so I followed you and ... I watched you change."  
   
A dark, dull red flush spread from Remus's neck over his face in a split second and he sat on a fallen log, face in his hands, "Oh, gods ... you saw everything?"  
   
"Well ... yes." Severus sat down, next to Remus, but giving him his room, as he always did.  
   
Remus glared at the ground, "And what did you think?" His long hands rested too calmly on his own thighs, "After seeing me at my worst?"  
   
"It was horrible to see you in pain … but even more so, because it was such a great secret that you carry and suffer with, alone."  
   
"And there is a reason it's a secret, Severus!" Remus stood, looking at Snape, "Do you have any idea how much danger you put yourself in?"  
   
"Don't .... don't yell at me, Remus Lupin ... I've known for a year, and I've never forced your confidence; I've never told anyone."  
   
"That's besides the point!" Remus insisted, lowering his voice, "I could have killed you, I could have turned you, you could be dead right now and so could I. Even a scratch and just a brush of ... it would have been enough to ruin your life! Merlin, Severus ... I-" he shook his head in disbelief, "I can't control myself when I'm like that."  
   
"I know."  
   
"And if you know then what are you doing with me?"  
   
"Because it's not your fault ... you have no control, but that's just the wolf, isn't it? It's apart of you, but it's not YOU."  
   
"Severus, it IS! It is ME! That is my life!" Remus swallowed hard, having to look away.  
   
"Remus. You’re more then a disfigurement or a disease." Severus said quietly, crossing his arms over his chest and drawing back.  
   
Remus rubbed his face with his hands before he looked up, a line etched between his brows as he stared at Severus. "It doesn't bother you?" He whispered, his long arms folding over his chest.  
   
"You’re so used to people believing all the wrong things, that they would hate and fear and mistrust you just because you exist- I'm not like that, I would think that our becoming friends should be evidence enough that I'm friends with _you_ , because of _you_ , not because of a disease."  
   
Lupin just blinked for a moment, unable to come up with a response. New color spread into his cheeks as he looked down, the line of his lips softening a little and then curving into a shy smile.  
   
Silence settled between the two, and when Severus was satisfied that Remus was not going to yell again, he continued, "Now that you know, I know. There’s something I've been wanting to know, and have been unable to find an answer from any of my sources- but, do you remember anything? Even … flashes? You ... you don't have to talk about it if you don't want of course." It wasn't the usual (or would have been the usual) _does it hurt or how did it happen?_  line of questioning.  
   
Remus sat on a fallen log, elbows on his knees, hands fidgeting slowly. He looked up, head tilted, "Not really, no, just a general feeling afterwards of how it went. On a bad night, I'm more scratched up-" he shrugged, "but I also have this ... awful, horrified feeling afterwards. Some nights, I wake up feeling more relaxed, too."  
   
"Then-" Severus sat next to Remus once more, "when you’re yourself, like now- is there ... a presence, in the back of your head? Can you feel it?"  
   
Remus licked his lips, taking a deep, deep breath, "Yes, certainly. Sometimes I can ignore him ... it, but other times, when I'm sick or upset, or just before the full moon it's presence becomes more-" he looked into the woods, "obvious."  
   
Severus nodded slightly. "Ok, that’s all. We don’t need to talk about it again."  
   
"It's alright, it's ... refreshing actually, I'm not used to being able to talk about the truth." Remus smiled at Severus again, his eyes shining through his hair.  
   
Severus relaxed at this, the corner of his mouth pulled up, to one side, almost a smile. "Any time."  
   
"Thank you." Remus said softly, looking at his hands again, obviously meaning more than just being able to speak about his secret.  
   
Their shoulders touched for a moment.  
   
"Sorry-" Severus leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.  
   
"It's okay. I really don't mind."


	4. Chapter 4

Advanced Astronomy classes ran well into winter, which tested many students endurance and devotion to the subject. It was cold and the stones on the tower were icy and the wind kept blowing off the lake, making lake effect snow and ice sprinkle across Severus’s face and robes. Most of the class was already gone, he and only a few others remained to finish recording their observations.  
   
Remus was at the next telescope, not bothered by the temperature, but wearing heavy robes like the other students had. At the telescope on Remus's other side was his dorm mate Sirius, who was scribbling calculations as quickly as he could. "Bugger, my ink froze!" The pureblood exclaimed, leaning over to Remus, "Can I steal a little?"  
   
Remus nodded placidly, still looking up at the stars, "You didn't charm it before hand, did you?"  
   
Sirius laughed and sighed, "Maybe not, maybe it's all part of a master plan to steal your ink supplies bit by bit."  
   
Remus just shrugged, looking up at the sky as he repositioned his telescope while Sirius drew closer, reloading his quill in Lupin's ink pot.  
   
"What're you up to after class?"  
   
Remus didn't look at Sirius, just kept working, "Most likely trying to avoid whatever disaster you and James are planning tonight. Yourself?"  
   
"Surprisingly enough-" Sirius stepped closer, sort of positioning himself between Remus and the telescope, looking up at him through the snow that made Sirius's dark hair glitter and his mischievous eyes look silvery, "I don't have anything planned, disastrous or otherwise. I was wondering if you were up for a raid on the kitchens with me after this is over?"  
   
Sirius's gloved hands slipped through Remus's cloak, going to his waist underneath and Remus paused, but didn't look at Black, still resolutely searching the skies.  
   
"Sirius?"  
   
"MmmHmm?"  
   
Remus sighed, looking at Sirius through the snow passing between them, "Your hands seem to be on my waist ... hips." Remus's tone was dry, "James will be all sorts of jealous."  
   
Sirius laughed, "You're warm! You're always warm, Remus, I'm just preserving the function of my hands ... no crime there. Besides, James is far too smelly for me, I could never do it with him."  
   
One hand was gloved in leather, holding his parchment in place, while the other hand was bare. This was the only way Severus could write; with direct contact with the quill and his frozen fingertips. But Severus seemed frozen like this, at least his hands and arms, because he wasn’t writing, his head was turned to the side and he was watching Sirius: moving in on Remus, moving on, around, over, touching, touching him, not backing down … not leaving him alone. _Leave him alone._  
   
"I think you're blushing, Remus." Sirius's voice turned low and warm as his hands slid around to Remus's back.  
   
"I think I'm frost bitten, Sirius."  
   
"In that case, you're more than welcome to hide under my cloak-" Sirius purred quietly.  
   
"You and your cloak should go inside if you're so cold."  
   
"You should come with me."  
   
"I have work to do."  
   
"Work, work, work, we'll come up later, you know after it's not so-" Sirius's sly grey eyes went to Snape with a glare, "ugly up here."  
   
Remus stepped back, rolling his eyes and turning away, pulling a book out of his bag, "Go get a head start in the kitchen, I'll catch up later, alright?"  
   
Severus’s ears were ringing with anger and too many of his own, loud voices trying to tell him what to do. He hated seeing Remus tolerate, endure, and accept things. Rather then say: _no. Say no. Say no. Stand up for yourself and say no! That’s not a werewolf trait, that’s a human right! Your right to refuse! Refuse!_  
   
Sirius grinned brightly, "Sounds good ... don't stay up here all night or I'll give up and go to bed by myself."  
   
Remus just nodded as Sirius shoved his work into his underloaded bag and winked before leaving the tower.  
   
Severus mumbled to himself, talking to the snow which now dusted his lap, "Don’t stay up… have to go to bed without you … oh no, so tragic … have to have my security blanket … can’t leave people alone … must be all about you ..."  
   
Remus looked over with a laugh, "That's just the way he is, I think James is busy trying to woo Lily Evans and Sirius is feeling a little abandoned."  
   
"What? I didn't say anything." Severus breathed out his nose sharply, "I didn't say anything, you can be as passive as you like ... let people touch you and get you to write them essays all because you won't say no ... but I didn't say anything, what do I care? I don't care." Severus pushed his things into his bag, "I don't care." He grumbled, trying to convince himself.  
   
Lupin looked up, his smile gone, "Severus?"  
   
Severus looked up, then around, not certain what he had said out loud or to himself, "What?"  
   
"You're angry at me because Sirius touched me?" Remus raised one eyebrow, shaking his head, confused.  
   
"You let him ... why would you just ... _let_ him? Do you want him to touch you?"  
   
"What? No ... he's just a ... touchy person, Severus. He's like that all the time, with everyone, it doesn't bother me."  
   
"Right. Fine. Doesn't bother you, you don't care ... forget I said anything."  
   
"Severus ..." Remus stepped closer, blocking the wind and snow from Severus with his own body, "are you angry with me?"  
   
"If you don’t stand up for yourself, if you don’t tell people to stop when you want them to stop and say no … then yes, I'm angry at you for not doing those things. But if you don’t care- then it doesn't matter and I'm just being … just being" je _alous, Severus, you’re being jealous and envious over something you don't even have, something you've not even experienced_. "it doesn't matter."  
   
Remus shook his head, speaking gently as he drew closer to keep the ice flakes from pelting his friend's face, "No, it doesn't matter to me what he does. Are you finished? It's freezing out here, we can step into the stairwell."  
   
Severus was finished. He was disgusted as well with the image of Sirius not wanting to be alone at night and crawling into bed with Remus, and Remus still convincing himself it didn’t matter. The next sight was of him on his back, taking it up the ass, and Remus looking at him and saying, _it doesn't matter Severus, it doesn't bother me_. Severus left, one arm on the wall helping to guide him down the steep, spiral staircase.  
   
Remus followed him half a second after, "Severus?" he called after, "I don't understand ..."  
   
Severus stopped and turned for only a moment, "There’s nothing to understand. You have no moral conflict, I do."  
   
"What moral conflict? Severus, please ... stop." Remus caught up.  
   
"Remus! It doesn't matter. You don't see anything wrong with it ... so ... stop following me! Go meet your friend and ... do whatever it is you do."  
   
Lupin stopped, his eyes dimming as he crossed his arms under his now damp cloak, "Sirius and I aren't that close, Severus. If you'd like to do something instead, trust me, he'll forget in half an hour that he spoke with me at all and just go bother someone else. Is that it?"  
   
"Who are you KIDDING Remus Lupin?! You let him touch you like that? He waits up so that you can go to bed together? People don’t just do that Remus- boys, don’t just do that!"  
   
"Sirius and I don't DO THAT!" Remus snapped back, surprised at himself. He shook his head and his tone softened, hands out, "Severus, you must understand, Sirius flirts with everyone! He flirts with portraits, ghosts, Peter, McGonagall, inanimate statues ... whatever he did with me is not about me, it's about him showing off and I just happened to be there. It means nothing, and no, Sirius and I are-" Remus laughed at the thought, "my gods, of course we're not like that. We never will be!"  
   
"YOU LET HIM! You LET him, Remus. You LET HIM, even for just a few minutes, do THAT. You DO, if YOU STAND THERE AND LET HIM. You might not touch him back, but you let him paw all over you without saying no, you don’t even tell him it’s inappropriate … you might not think of yourself in that way, but he thinks of you like that. So … if you REALLY don’t care, then there’s really nothing for us to discuss."  
   
Remus blinked and stepped back, "I ... no, I really, really don't care what Sirius did, Severus- but I'd never let him take it any further than that ... is that what upsets you?"  
   
Severus bashed his own head against the wall and set his jaw in frustration. He closed his eyes for a moment while he screamed and scolded himself. When his eyes opened, his voice was much calmer, "I'm not upset. Have a good night."  
   
"You seem upset" Remus sighed, "but ... alright, good night."  
   
Severus left Lupin’s company and disappeared back down into the Slytherin common room, not intending to resurface until Monday morning for class.

 

* * *

 

Monday came, and everything seemed as normal as the Friday before it, at least during classes. Remus was determined to keep it that way, and so after classes were over, he took his books and walked to the tree he and Severus usually sat under to study, and sat down. Severus wasn't there yet, but Remus was early, he had to make himself wait so that he wasn't too early, because that would be abnormal and he realized he was sitting there holding his breath. Remus looked up, through the trees, promising he wouldn't look up again until Severus came ... if he came.  
   
For the brief period of almost-approachability that Severus had managed was now gone. It was to business now, or nothing at all. He arrived on time and sat, taking out his notebook and turning to the page he had marked earlier, "I need to finish my conclusion for my transfiguration essay, then we can study."  
   
Remus just nodded, doing his best not to reveal how relieved he really was just to have Severus sit beside him again, regardless of his mood.  
   
Severus set himself to write straight away, his back curled, the round of which pressed back against the tree that sheltered them from direct sunlight. His handwriting was a mix of light ink marks, spread thin over the page when he was writing too fast, and heavy ink marks, when it all began to run together when he wrote angrily.  
   
Lupin turned his blue eyes to Severus's dark shape, watching him with a little smile before he took a deep breath, "Severus?"  
   
"Yes."  
   
"You were right."  
   
Severus's quill stopped, but he didn't look up yet, "About?"  
   
"Sirius." Remus took a breath and rolled one shoulder back, cracking it softly before he explained, "I went to bed eventually that night and Sirius crawled in with me, he hugged me and started- um-" Remus took a moment to clear his throat, "Kissing and I ... stopped him. I told him no, and to get out ... and he did. But you were right, he _did_ actually mean what he was doing on the tower, and I'm sorry if I brushed it off. I just thought you should know."  
   
"You said no?" Severus asked, then looked over at Remus to confirm this.  
   
"In no uncertain terms." Remus nodded, hiding behind his hair again, starting to work quietly.  
   
"And ... he left you alone?"  
   
"After I made it clear that I meant it, yes, he apologized and went back to his own bed, and hasn't tried anything like that since."  
   
 _You meant it_. Severus nodded, "I appreciate you telling me."  
   
"But ..." Remus took a deep breath, holding the heavy book in his hands to keep them from trembling, " ... I have to ask you something, Severus, I hope you don't mind, but it's been haunting me all weekend and if I don't ask now ..."  
   
Severus watched Remus, frowning a little to see him shake, knowing it wasn't because he was cold, "Yes?"  
   
"Were you upset because I allowed Sirius to touch me like that, or because we were both ... boys?"  
   
"I understand it might have been hard for you to miss, I was only screaming it at you Remus, but I was upset because you allowed, Sirius to touch you like that- it could have been anyone, not because you were both boys."  
   
Remus looked up with relieved blue eyes and a small smile, nodding, "I see. Thank you."  
   
"And ... that haunted you all weekend because you think I'm a homophobe?"  
   
Lupin flushed, caught, "Because you accept one way I'm different from most people, I hoped you'd still accept another difference, too."  
   
"Differences are easy to accept, Remus. People are different. That is a fact. And thank Merlin for that. Now, agreeing with those differences, that’s something else. For instance, I accept you are a werewolf and that you are gay, as you just recently outted yourself, that’s easy. But what I value in my own life, is being able to agree over those differences. For example, I agree that you should be able to love and be affectionate to anyone you want, regardless of gender or race or age or species … and now I'm just talking, but I hope you understand my meaning, because I’d like, in time that you agree or at least understand my own differences- which is a fine line, rather then just accepting, tolerating or allowing."  
   
Remus's eyes sparkled and he dared to move a little closer, "I'm sure that I won't have trouble with that, Severus."  
   
Severus watched Remus, "You got closer."  
   
"I did." He agreed, holding his breath a little, but not moving away.  
   
"..."  
   
"We should work." Remus smiled back, looking down again.


	5. Chapter 5

Severus was on his knees, Remus’s limp head in his lap. He had wrapped Remus up in the blanket he usually used after his transformations, dried with blood from past full moons. Severus brushed hair off Remus’s sweaty face with the tips of his cold fingers, watching, and allowing the young man to rest after the ordeal of last night.  
   
Remus had just stopped trembling and had slipped into sleep only a moment ago. Lately there had been something blissful about slumber after the transformations, not the usual anxious fit of rest and painful awakenings, but deep and seamless. "Mmmm-" he sighed, turning a little, his cheek on Severus's thigh as his chest settled under the blanket.  
   
Severus’s second hand caressed Remus’s shoulder and arm, very lightly, making sure that it was laying straight and not bent off in any one direction that would make his bone ache.  
   
"Severus ...." He murmured with a sigh, eyes still closed and swollen.  
   
"Yes. That's me, Remus."  
   
One of the boy's battered hands moved to Severus's hand, just laying over it before his fingers curled slowly, holding Snape's thin, chilled hand in his own.  
   
"I can't get you anything for Christmas ... except memories ... I want you to know, Remus, that I'm here ... that I've been here for many full moons, and I'm still here."  
   
His eyelids fluttered, bruised skin trembling before his eyes opened, trying to focus as he looked up. "Severus ..." he whispered again, too desperately weak to show his surprise, "you shouldn't be ... here ... what are you doing- I didn't ... hurt you, did I?"  
   
"Shhh, Remus," Severus sighed, "You didn't hurt me. I'm here because I want to be here. I'm here, because it's better when you're not alone."  
   
Lupin's body relaxed again, and his eyes closed, "How long?" He managed over a dry throat.  
   
"Since the beginning of term this year."  
   
Remus tried to laugh, but groaned as one of his ribs shifted in his chest. "Insane ..." He couldn't say more, just breathed, his nose against the top of Severus's leg, realizing that he knew the scent of Snape's skin through fabric.  
   
"Maybe. You can tell me how much you hate your gift later. But it can't be refunded." Severus smirked a little, still stroking his fingers through Remus's hair.  
   
It felt nice, Remus had to admit, more than nice to have his hair stroked in such a way. "It's ... mmm." Lupin's chest mended quickly, the bone shifting back into place with only a little pain, " ... rather ... nice."  
   
"Remus" Severus said softly, then something wet, not as cold was pressed to Remus's forehead, a light kiss, "Happy Christmas."  
   
Remus's eyes opened, and he would have blushed if he could have as he stared up, seeing the bestower of the gift upside down. Lupin was utterly speechless, but smiled even as his body throbbed with every bone that knit back together, every tendon that split and re-sewed itself.  
   
Severus looked down at Remus and sighed, closing his eyes a little, just as tired as the Gryffindor, having stayed up all night with him, and in a way experienced what he experienced.  
   
"Sleep ..." Remus reassured him affectionately, "lay down and sleep, Severus."  
   
"I want you to be comfortable."  
   
"I will be ... " he smiled and squeezed Severus by the hand softly, "lay down and sleep, please."  
   
Severus supported the back of Remus’s head carefully, withdrawing his knees from under him and laid his head back on a half shredded pillow from the bed. His heavy wool, winter robe was used like a blanket as Severus laid down, just next to his friend, looking at him, fingering his caramel colored hair.  
   
Remus didn't stop smiling, "Thank you." He shared the pillow with Severus gladly and let one arm fall over Severus's waist gently. "You don't mind?" He whispered, looking at Severus through his butterscotch colored eyelashes.  
   
"I don't mind ... are you covered enough?"  
   
"I'm a little cold."  
   
Severus scooted closer, spreading his pre-warmed cloak over them both, one arm under the back of Remus’s neck, though was careful not to lean against Remus, "Better?" He whispered against his shoulder.  
   
"Much." Remus murmured, letting their foreheads touch with a deep, pleased sigh, "Thank you."  
   
Severus sighed, smiling a little as his eyes closed, breathing in that scent: _Remus_. It was good.  
   
The boys slept long that morning, snuggled together under Severus's cloak, their arms around each other.  

 

* * *

 

"Remus." Severus said after a long, though comfortable silence passed between the two friends, "Are you afraid of me?"  
   
"No, not really, no ..." he swallowed, "why?"  
   
"You once said you were envious that I had a room to myself down in the dorms, but the only reason why, is because people are afraid of me, and it’s been like that since my first year. I just- I don’t know how people can feel that, when I’ve not done anything. I- I just don’t understand. Rumors began since the beginning that I knew more about the dark arts as a first year then any seventh year, and while it’s true, sort of- I’ve never used them. No one seems bothered by the details of why I know them … or if I’ve even used them against anyone."  
   
Remus paused, "Just because someone can cause harm, doesn't mean they will. But, why do you know them?" Remus's fingers began to stroke Severus's back through his shirt comfortingly.  
   
"I learned them from my mother."  
   
"She taught you dark magic when you were a child?" Remus opened his eyes, seeing clearer now after a rest.  
   
 _Taught. Used_. Severus nodded slightly. "I didn’t know, until I came here that- that is not the normal education for a wizarding child."  
   
Remus saw something shift in Severus's almost black eyes and he lifted his head a little, "Did she ever use any of it on you?" Despite his frailty at the moment, there was a definite protective tone to Remus's voice.  
   
"Well ... yes." Severus attempted to make it less then what it was, as casual as, _the sky is blue_. But in this instance, it was about as casual as, _the sky is black and pouring blood for rain_. He had never talked about it before now.  
   
Remus nodded and his arm tightened around Severus a little, "I'm sorry."  
   
"There's no sense in you being sorry."  
   
From what Remus knew about the practices of dark magic, most of it involved pain, control, and some sort of humiliation to satisfy the caster's wishes, to imagine that turned on a child was sickening, abusive in the worst sense of the word. "Then I'm sorry it happened to you." He amended very quietly, lips close to Severus's ear.  
   
"That's my secret disease, it's- sort of in my soul, or what's left of it." Severus told. He told his secret, he told it to a boy who he thought might understand that sort of lingering darkness.  
   
Remus nodded, "But you don't use it against anyone, and that's the important thing, Severus." He rubbed Severus's back through his white school shirt with the flat of his palm.  
   
"I've wanted to ... I've come close ... there were many times with your friend Black ... I wanted to."  
   
"I'm sure. I don't know why he picks on you like that, it's disgusting. But I think feeling the temptation to do something like that, as strong as it is-" Remus cleared his throat again, "and still choosing not to, really shows that you do have control over that side of you which is amazing, really. I can't imagine anyone else in our year, well, none of the boys at least, being able to have that sort of power and not using it. Think of Dumbledore, I'm sure he knows every sort of magic there is out there, but I can't imagine him actually abusing that power. I suppose you're similar that way."  
   
"And you, Remus. You’ve never lured an enemy, to gobble them up- It would be easy to do, no one around to accuse, no evidence … and yet you hurt yourself before you hurt others. I don’t feel that in control- I feel like I’m standing idly ontop of a precipice and one day I’ll just go one way or another rather then continue to do nothing at all. I don’t feel that in control. But … I am guessing neither do you, even though in my experience and opinion, you are."  
   
Remus sighed, "All I can do is make sure no one is in my way when I do lose control, because when I am ... the wolf" he swallowed, "if even you, or my mother were in front of me ... the control is taken from me utterly. I would kill you, or worse."  
   
Perhaps it was because of his childhood that made him attracted to killing, or worse. Severus did not want to think of it that way, he finally lowered his head to Remus’s shoulder, hugging him lightly, "I don’t regret telling you."  
   
Remus managed a full, bright smile, resting his head on top of Severus's, "I'm glad you did."  
   
"Am I embarrassing you?" Severus asked, his hand going up around the back of Remus’s neck, keeping himself close.  
   
"There's no one to be embarrassed in front of." Remus smiled, his voice soft and fond.  
   
"No?" Severus nuzzled his face closer, he couldn’t remember how he had gotten so close, but was not about to question it. He began to kiss Remus’s jaw, just brushing his lips against the skin.  
   
Remus licked his lips, not letting go of Severus, but still tense, "Severus ..." he whispered as lips pressed into his skin over and over. This was almost like the night Sirius snuck into his bed, but so ... so much better.  
   
Severus bit at his lower lip, he stopped, pulling his head back, looking into Remus’s sharp blue eyes.  
   
Remus licked his lips again, "You ... shouldn't kiss any of my blood ... it's not safe ... do you have a cloth?" He asked, hopefully.  
   
"I'm not kissing your blood, I'm kissing your face."  
   
"Even ... so ... " Remus swallowed, "please, careful ..."  
   
Severus sat back and reaching into his bag, pulled out a Slytherin crested handkerchief, then the thermoses of hot tea he brought for himself to last the night, now cold. He spilled the water onto the cloth and began to wipe Remus’s face clean of dried blood and dirt, kissing the skin once it was clean to Remus’s satisfaction.  
   
Remus relaxed, "Thank you-" he sighed, eyes closing again.  
   
Severus was a little more bold now, cleaning and kissing, giving the Gryffindor plenty of time to say no, to think about if this was what he wanted; Severus Snape’s lips on him. But his lips were saved for last, dabbed clean, parted, then kissed.  
   
"MMm-" Remus moaned, his arms tightening hard, pulling Severus's warm body closer as he was kissed, no one had ever kissed his lips before and his head spun. Very slowly, Remus began to kiss Severus back, allowing himself to respond, bit by bit.  
   
Severus smiled, "I’m kissing you. We’re kissing." He said smoothly, pleased.  
   
Remus laughed quietly, just as stunned, "And it's ... good ..." he kissed Severus again, harder, one hand travelling up to the Slytherin's dirty hair, working his fingers in slowly and moaning.  
   
"Oh-" Severus moaned as well, leaning against the touch and pressing his lips against Remus, still holding onto the back of his neck, not knowing what else to do with himself.  
   
Remus didn't know how, but he pulled Severus over him, holding him securely as he leaned up, kissing him thoroughly, with a hunger he'd told himself just didn't exist for months, for years.  
   
"Oh- ohgod-" Severus looked down between them, thinking he had somehow fallen onto Remus, "Are you ok?" He asked, holding himself just over his equally long, thin frame.  
   
"I'm fine, Severus-" Remus kissed him again, "fine, please gods, don't stop ..."  
   
A blend of black hair and wool robes hung over Remus’s body, Severus continued kissing him and groaning into his mouth as their tongues began to press against one another.  
   
Severus's body was light and smooth, Remus could tell through the other boy's clothes, it would be easy to break, too easy, and so his hands worked gently down Snape's back, counting his small, delicate bones, almost bird-like as they kissed. "Mm ...." For some reason, Snape was kissing him, kissing him hungrily, with very real desire.  
   
"Ree-mus." Severus panted, breathing harder when his back was touched, he groaned and began to kiss at Remus’s neck, just under his jaw, his hips pressing down, just a little so that there was firm contact between the two.  
   
"Ahh-" Remus felt the press easily and gasped before his hand slipped under Severus's shirt, exploring the skin over the small of his back, "you're so ... smooth."  
   
"Remus … Remus … I … I don’t get like this …" Severus kissed at the Gryffindor’s neck, down to his shoulder, "I … you smell so good to me …"  
   
"Neither do I, I ... can't stop kissing you, touching you-" Remus worked his tongue into Severus's mouth and began to suck at his tongue, slowly, then harder, suggestively.  
   
Severus groaned, pressing his hips down against Remus, needing to rub himself against him.  
   
Remus groaned sweetly, a low, subtle growl pouring into Severus's mouth, "Severus ..." he moaned, his hips pressing up, over and over to meet Snape.  
   
"Ohgod." Severus’s chest caved, his face pressed against Remus’s neck, panting, reaching down between them, fumbling with his own pants, "I … need to … before I come in my pants."  
   
"Ohhh-" Remus moaned, nodding, "Yes, yes, yes ... please ..." Remus kissed Severus's forehead, hands moving down, helping Snape get his pants off.  
   
"OhgodRemus … oh … fuck." Severus hissed, both hands brushed and squeezed and rubbed him just the right way all at once, "Remus …" Severus’s hips lurched, fucking his own hand for only an instant before he came, panting, whimpering, "I'm … sorry … I … ohhh … god."  
   
"Ahhh-" Remus moaned, quickly flipping Severus over on his back. Remus moved quickly down his body, licking and sucking, cleaning Severus dry with his rough tongue.  
   
Severus’s back twisted as he slowly writhed on the floor, "Ohhh- ohgod, Remus … what- What are you doing?" He asked with a groan.  
   
"I ... don't ... know ..." Remus groaned, licking and sucking still. "Oh gods, you taste ... taste so good ..."  
   
"God … I'm … sorry … I … ohhh- fuck … that’s so good."  
   
"No, I like it ... I like it ..." He moaned, kissing the now clean skin and resting his head on Severus's stomach, panting.  
   
"Remus …" Severus reached down, petting the side of the Gryffindor’s head, "Mmmm … I've never, so easily- I usually can’t."  
   
"Mmm..." Remus looked up and his body followed his eyes, moving up Severus's body to kiss his lips again, slowly, "My god, I can't stop."  
   
Severus smiled at this, wrapping his arms around Remus loosely, kissing him again, tasting a bit of himself.  
   
"Severus, thank you ..."  
   
"Wh- what?"  
   
"Thank." He kissed Severus, "you" he kissed him again, cupping the back of his head. "For ... my present."  
   
"Oh." Severus relaxed, looking up at Remus, pleased, still touching him; the back of his neck, his shoulders and arms, kissing with a pleased sigh, "You're welcome."  
   
Remus's soft, light brown hair brushed Severus's face as he looked down at him, "You're sure? You're sure that you ... that you want me?"  
   
"As long as you can stand me."  
   
"That could be quite a ..." Remus shifted his hips, grinding down over Severus, "long, long time."  
   
Severus smiled, pleased, "Good." He said, encouraging Remus, ghosting a hand down his back.  
   
They kissed again, tilting his head, tonguing Severus's lips open slowly.  
   
"Mmm-" Severus sighed, pleased, not the first time he was pinned under the werewolf, but certainly a more pleasing circumstance. Even though, there had been something dangerously erotic about the wolf, staring into him, in complete control. "You seem … to have gotten your strength back."  
   
"I ... want ..." He moaned, "I want ..." his hips pressed down harder, his erection obvious now.  
   
"What do you want, Remus?" Severus watched him, his hand going down, over Remus's hip, rubbing and letting him press.  
   
"You ..." He said in a low, husky voice, "I want you, want ..." his eyes rolled back in his head as Severus touched him.  
   
"Remus … Remus, stay with me …" Severus arched up and kissed Remus on the lips, sucking on them lightly.  
   
"MMmhmmmm-" Remus moaned, coming back as he kissed Severus, then whispered, "It's too soon ... I ... can't ... he'll take over ... please, Severus ..."  
   
"Shhh-" Severus felt like he was addressing the wolf anyway, stroking his back, "We’ll go- back to the castle and wash … there are going to be games in the great hall before dinner … it’s alright …"  
   
Remus gasped, kissing Severus again and again, harder than before, but he nodded, "Yes ..."  
   
"Yes ... " Severus echoed, easing himself out from under Remus, still kissing him, though doing up his pants with one hand.  
   
"Mm, mmm." Remus rolled them over again so that Severus was over him, straddling him.  
   
"Easy ... easy Remus ... you're going to hurt yourself." Severus kissed him, though sat up, summoning Remus's things from the closet.  
   
"I feel ... fine ... great ..." Another kiss to Severus's lips, "I could ... fly if you wanted me to."  
   
"No flying ..." Severus got up and began to pass Remus his change of clothes.  
   
Remus just hugged the clothes to him, smiling before he sat up slowly and began to dress, all the while his eyes on Severus.  
   
Similarly, Severus watched Remus dress, sighing softly as he disappeared behind his clothes. Though, he found it would be difficult to tell who was looking back at him, he always saw the same blue eyes.  
   
After dressing, and calming down somewhat, Remus stood unsteadily and walked to Severus.  
   
"Ready?"  
   
Remus nodded, speechless, as he leaned forward and kissed Severus again.  
   
"Ah-" Severus reached up and cupped the side of Remus's face, kissing him sweetly.  
   
"Mmmm." He sighed, pulling back and looking at Severus very fondly. "We ... kissed." He whispered.  
   
"Yes ... yes we did ... we are."  
   
"Sorry, I'm-" Remus just smiled, in clear disbelief, "no one's ever kissed me like that before."  
   
Severus just smiled at this, completely and without reservation.  
   
"We should go inside, I'm sure Madam Pomprey will come soon to see what's happened to me"  
   
Severus nodded at this, "Then I'll see you when she clears you ... just before dinner, alright?"  
   
"Alright, the usual place?" He asked, kissing Severus on the cheek with lowered eyes.  
   
Severus nodded, then disappeared down through the trap door, closing it behind him out of habit.  
   
Remus sat on the almost broken bed, the bloodstained blanket still wrapped around him, "See you."


	6. Chapter 6

Near the end of the school year, tucked away behind the green house, a fine border between the forbidden forest and Hogwarts grounds was a place that Remus and Severus secretly met, especially during Hogsmeade weekends, when most other students were in town or wandering through school with no set schedule; in other words, durring a time when their behavior or location would otherwise be impossible to predict. So the two had this place. Before they met under the guise of studying, then it evolved into just sitting and talking, or not talking, as the mood struck, but now it was where they kissed - a lot.

Remus grinned, laying on Severus's cloak on the ground, arms around Snape's slim waist, kissing him with what had become skill.

"Mmm- Remus." Severus smiled a little, eyes lightly closed, relaxed as they kissed and groped at one another’s chest and sides, touching and grabbing and pulling so that they were constantly pressed against one another.

"Severus ..." Remus moaned, his hands already undoing Severus's shirt, caressing his skin through the opening of fabric.

Severus had never before known touching to be so good; he leaned into the hand upon him, glancing down as he pressed his knee between Remus’s legs.

"Oh-" the werewolf moaned, arching up, against Severus's knee, rubbing himself. "There, yes ... Severus-" He kissed the other boy's lips, sucking on them slowly like sweets.

They constantly rolled over one another, dead leaves and other brush and dirt sticking to them. Severus moved over Remus this time, pressing his knee again, getting Remus to part his legs as he helped rub him, kissing him with a hum.

Remus groaned again, a low, purring noise echoing up from his chest as he parted his warm thighs for Snape, looking up at him with lust-dark eyes, "Severus ... careful ..." he whispered against Snape's lips. Snape's shirt was undone, Remus's hands roving over his smooth skin, thumbs brushing the Slytherin's nipples.

"But I enjoy hearing you." Severus bit at his own lower lip, hips pressing down as he continued to rub Remus just the right way.

"Ohhhhhh, but ... ohh, gods-" Remus's hips arched again and again, building a rhythm against Severus's hard thigh. The throbbing from his cock overtook Remus's body quickly, making his pulse beat loudly in his ears as he moved.

"Mmmmm-" Severus smiled, bowing down and kissing Remus’s lips, nuzzling him as his hands moved over his chest and up his shoulder.

Remus took Severus by the hand and guided it to the buttons of his own shirt as they kissed, whimpering softly as he kept rubbing against Snape's leg.

Severus pulled at the fabric, untucking it from Remus’s pants, then pushed it up, hand flat against Remus’s stomach and chest, "Mmmm-" he hummed still, kissing lightly at Remus’s neck.

"Ohh ... my neck-" Remus arched his head back eagerly. Severus knew full well his neck was abnormally sensitive and kissing it drove Remus mad. Remus cupped Severus's ass, rubbing slowly as he moaned.

"Yes- Remus- ohhhgod …" Severus moaned softly, licking and kissing, rubbing together more forcefully.

"Merlin-" Remus began to thrust harder against him, his muscles tensing and warming as he sat up and then stood in one smooth motion, carrying Severus against his chest and pinning him against a wide birch tree as they kept kissing.

All the air was pushed out of Severus’s chest, as he gasped, "… Remus …" his feet not even touching the ground, and one hand still lost, pushed up Remus’s shirt, the other over his shoulder, fisting it, giving him something to hold onto.

"Complaining?" Remus panted, starting to undo Severus's trousers with one hand.

"… ah … Re- no … you surprised … me."

"Good." He groaned, his hand slipping into Severus's underwear, finding his cock easily as he started to kiss Snape's neck.

"Oh- Ohhh-" Severus pushed back, arching against the bark of the tree which was already snagging at his clothes. His toes curled in his boots, unable to manage any footing except for on an uprooted part of the tree, but even that was at an awkward angle, keeping his knees bent out and legs parted.

"Put them around my waist." Remus whispered, starting to stroke Severus's erection steadily.

Severus did, honestly still surprised that Remus could support his weight so easily. "Remus." He breathed, fingers twisting in his caramel hair, fisting it at the base of his skull as they kissed.

Their kisses grew rougher and more passionate, Severus's head pressed against the trunk of the tree as Remus gasped, starting to pull his trousers and underwear down urgently. "Need you-" he gasped.

"Re-Remus-" Severus whimpered, thighs trying to close around Remus’s waist, one arm was now push across Remus’s chest, trying to get him off enough so that his ribs weren’t pressed so hard against the tree.

"Shh-" Remus kissed Severus's neck, almost biting as he sucked the skin, teasing it with his teeth, his hands now kneading and parting Severus's ass, fingers just stroking the sensitive cleft.

Severus’s skin pulled tight over tense muscle, "Remus- don’t bite." He fisted Remus’s robes, afraid to pull away, afraid that the skin might break.

"Just ... kissing ..." Remus moaned, his voice a little darker than usual, almost teasing before he claimed Snape's lips again, "Fuck, I want you ... right now."

Severus couldn't help but groan, body arching, pushing against the tree, pressing into Remus who kept a secure hold on him.

Remus only held Severus with one hand under his bare ass as he undid his own trousers and yanked them down, his underwear too. "Ahhh there, yes-" Both hands were back on Severus's ass, parting him harder and shifting him against the tree, roughly until Remus's hard cock rubbed against his cleft.

Severus bit his lip, knowing that Remus was serious about this, just as they were, like this, "Remus- please, your wand … anything … I've never …"

"Lost it-" Remus's voice wavered, "give me yours ... quick or ..." he moaned, trying to hold back from the insane temptation just at his tip.

"It's over by- ah- AH- Remus-" Severus cried out, arms right around him as he felt the head of him grind against his ass anyway.

"I can't ..." Remus panted, "you're right here and ... fuck, I want you!"

It was forced and Severus’s shoulders trembled as he slumped forward, against Remus, half biting at his shoulder as he lost his virginity. Shaking and tight.

Remus gasped, the tip of him inside for a moment before he pulled out and laid Snape on the ground roughly, grabbing someone's wand off the ground and slicking himself before he plunged in, half way at once. "OHHHhh." Remus cried out, trembling as well.

"Ah- ahhh! Remus …" Severus barely managed, closing his eyes, not wanting to associate Remus with the wolf that possessed him now.

Remus thrust inside, all the way, pinning Severus down with strong arms, keeping him there easily as he started to fuck Snape's ass, groaning at the sensation of blood all around him, muscle and tightness and _... yes_.

Severus turned his head to one side, though kept his chin tucked so that his neck was exposed as little as possible. His body throbbing painfully, feeling Remus tare through him easily. He could stop him, he could try, but he didn’t. He had provoked Remus, he deserved this.

Remus gasped, slamming a hand down into the earth next to Severus's body and his eyes opened, "Hit me, stop me, your wand ... do ... anything."

"…. Remus …" Severus’s fingers dug into Remus’s shoulders, his back being pushed back into the earth with each thrust. His eyes were glassy and there was a light red rim around the edge of black. He looked up at Remus and all he could think to do was kiss him.

Remus paused for a moment, whimpering as he stilled inside Severus, shoulders shaking violently. "Mmm-" He took his hands off of Severus, but didn't lean back, his lips surprisingly gentle. "OhgodsI'msorry..." He gasped, horrified, "I'm sorry."

Severus nodded, "I ... know ... I ... know. Gently."

Remus forced an arm back and grasped the wand where it lay, laying it on Severus's chest, "I'm so sorry ... I'm so, so sorry ..." The werewolf began to pull out of Severus's body, but the wolf wouldn't have it, and the boy started to thrust again with a strangled moan.

Severus pressed his hand over the wand, holding it to his chest, it was only then did it seem obvious to the Slytherin that he was still alive, still breathing and still bleeding with every erratic beat of his heart. He couldn't help himself, his body writhed over the intrusion and he cried out, "Remus- Remus, stop … stop yourself."

Remus groaned, clenching his teeth together, "I ... gods, I- can't, I can't ... " Lupin's cock ground inside Snape's body again and again, all the way in now until Remus grabbed the wand himself and slashed it over his chest, slicing it open. The wound went all the way down to Remus's heart, showing a dark, pulsing muscle before Remus fell back, pulling out and falling to the side, hands over the gash over his heart.

"REMUS!" Severus screamed, unable to cry over himself, but screaming and crying over Remus. He took up the wand and shot an emergency flare directly at Hogwarts castle for help before drawing Remus into his arms. Severus lost his cool under pressure completely, hand shaking as he compressed his robes over Remus’s bleeding chest, not risking any sort of healing charm or even to stitch him up to have him drown in his own blood. In this instance, it was better out, then in - at least for the moment. "Remus … Remus …" He more then cried, he wept.

Remus gasped, going grey quickly, "I ... " His blood soaked into the ground around him, "No ... look at me ... look at me ..."

Severus fisted Remus’s robes, "W- why did you do that … Remus … wh-" he swallowed, obeying.

"Stopped ... I was hurting-" his blue eyes closed, "you ..." and Remus's chest stilled.

Severus SCREAMED at him, tears pouring down his face, beginning to sizzle and eat away at the tainted blood, cleaning the deep wound.

A flash of light appeared beside Snape, and the headmaster gasped, leaning down, grabbing Remus, and disappearing again without a word, leaving Severus alone with the blood soaked earth.

It took Severus, what felt like hours to pull himself together enough to stop shaking, to stand, to pull up his pants and drag himself inside and up the stairs to the hospital wing. The inseam of his pants was wet and red with his blood, though his chest and arms were wet with Remus’s blood. But with no more Remus, there were no more tears.

A few students whispered, stopping to stare, but no one interrupted the blood-soaked boy until he reached the hospital wing. The scene that greeted Severus was chaos, Dumbledore was performing some spell that made Remus shiver like he was being electrocuted and Madam Pomprey was working with her wand at the same time, panicked, unaware that Severus had walked in.

Severus let himself in, while all others lingered outside, he had almost thrown up twice upon the moving staircase, though had nothing to throw up. He sat on one of the cots, closest to the door, and furthest from Remus; though his eyes were on him alone.

Dumbledore gave a frustrated snarl, "I can hardly hold him together, Poppy! What did he do to himself!?"

"I know- there's one more option ..."

"Which is what? Anything ..."

Poppy conjured a long, curved needle and spool of strong, black thread, putting it through the eye of the needle, "Hold him for another ten minutes, that's all I need."

Albus sighed, pained, "I'll do my best, but the boy's body is giving up, dying."

Severus’s black eyes hallowed out, _You can’t … you can’t … you can’t die … not for me … Remus …_

Madam Pomprey began to stitch, her hands disappearing inside Remus's chest cavity. She swore more than once and made amendments with her wand as Albus encouraged her, both of them seeming to hold their breaths as she sewed the last stitch. Both of them stared down, watching the stitched together heart quiver helplessly inside the wound. "Try again, Albus ..."

Dumbledore nodded, taking a deep breath as he touched Remus's heart with his wand, closed his eyes and began to chant in a low, whispering voice.

It was then that Pomprey looked up and noticed the other boy, "Severus! My gods, I ... are you hurt?"

Albus paused for a moment, but concentrated harder, his eyes squeezed shut, hand steady as he continued the ritual.

"Don’t … don’t talk to me! SAVE HIM."

She nodded, "We're doing what we can, try to lay down ... it's best if you don't watch." Pomprey waved her hand and a large white curtain drew around Remus's bed like a shroud.

"No-" Severus wavered, but stood, fisting the curtain and tearing it away, "I’m not … leav- I’m going to watch … I owe him that!"

"Then be quiet ... the headmaster is working-"

Dumbledore was chanting feverishly now and a phoenix soared through the window, landing beside Remus and putting it's head on his shoulder, looking at Severus's face before it emitted a strange, sweet, sad sound and three pearly tears rolled down it's scarlet face, all of them falling into the werewolf's opened chest.

The chanting stopped and Albus looked down, "Remus ... Mr. Lupin ... not now, not now."

Severus watched the bird, the only thing that distracted him from the sight of Remus, _I did that_. He had cried over the boy too, and it had done nothing. But to compare himself for that second to something as marvelous and pure as the phoenix was a poor joke. His eyes fell. This was not a lesson he wanted to learn.

"Severus!" Albus called Snape to him abruptly, "Come here, quickly!"

Severus stood and moved closer obediently; the headmaster could have said anything to him just then: _slit open your wrists and bleed for him, Severus,_  and he would have done it.

"Take my wand without moving it an inch, there, good ... and now say his name." Albus let go, letting Severus hold his wand by himself, watching with wide eyes from a few inches away.

"Remus." Severus’s voice was soft, just a breath as if he were whispering to the other boy in the library, secret and hidden.

The heart under Albus's wand gave a lurch and the headmaster nodded, "Again! Again, twice more, his full name this time!"

"Remus John Lupin." _LIVE DAMN IT_ "Remus John Lupin!"

The werewolf's heart squeezed once, and then again, and then fell into a slow, regular rhythm and Remus's lips fell open as he gasped.

"Oh …" Severus didn't move, his ears popped and he didn’t know if anyone around him was speaking, it looked like Poppy was, but he didn't hear anything. Just Remus’s heart; watching it throb from side to side.

Albus put his hand on Snape's shoulder, squeezing it as Madam Pomprey moved in with her wand, healing a layer of thin tissue around Remus's heart with a smile to Dumbledore, "It worked, I can repair him now."

Severus felt the wavering on his feet stilled when Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder, he turned his head a little, looking back at him, "He’ll live?" He asked, though for him, it was like speaking under water, he wasn't sure if he actually said anything, "Will he live?" So he repeated himself just to be certain.

Albus smiled a little, "He stands a chance now, Severus, thanks to you. Now, would you please lay down in the next bed so that we can attend to your needs? You may watch Mr. Lupin as he recovers."

Severus stared at Dumbledore, at if he were a portrait he was trying to deconstruct and analyze the layers. Once he understood what was being asked, he laid down to the closest cot, watching Remus as he lay there, not moving except for his chest, up and down.

"Excuse me, Poppy, I must write Remus's mother ... Severus," he nodded, "we'll speak later." Dumbledore looked exhausted as he left the room quickly, shaking his head. Pomprey had Remus's chest closed and cleaned properly in a matter of minutes and injected him with a small dose of Skele-gro. She covered him with three blankets, and put a pillow under his head before looking at Severus with a stressed smile.

Severus stared at the boy, his mouth, not sure he’d ever be allowed to kiss him again, "Can you tell me," he said, not breaking his gaze, "what to do, to treat myself?"

Poppy nodded, more than willing to let the capable student treat himself, "You're welcome to use any of the potions and bandages for whatever scratches you have, let me know if you need more."

Severus blinked, then stared up at her, "It's more then a scratch."

"What's wrong?" She looked him over, "That's ... your blood?"

But Severus didn't want to use the word for what had happened to him, "This is" he said, pulling at his pants, around the thigh, "… it’s … torn …" He couldn't ... could not say it.

Pomprey dropped the basin she was holding and moved to Snape, "On the bed, now .." She pulled a curtain around Severus's bed quickly, "We don't have to discuss it, but I do need you to lay on your stomach."

But Severus was not as complacent now, "Can’t you just tell me what needs to be done."

"You need ... good Merlin, you need to make sure there is no infection and you need to heal the flesh. I recommend that I do it."

Though as hard as Severus tried, he was unable to convince himself. He didn't know how to check for infection because he was not familiar with that part of his own body, nor what infection to look for in relationship to anything regarding Remus's condition, "I- isn’t there …" the last thing he wanted to do was turn over and let someone go poking around his body, especially there, especially now, "another way?"

Pomprey sighed, "I will run two baths for you in the other room, soak in the first for fifteen minutes and the other for fifteen minutes and then shower well. That should do it." She bustled off.

Severus didn’t move, though his back was trembling, "Remus … Remus, I’m sorry …"

Remus didn't answer, he just breathed very slowly, evenly, that being the only reply he could manage for Severus.

 

* * *

 

Dumbledore returned two hours later and checked on Remus, apparently satisfied enough with his student's condition, he walked to Severus's cot and sat in a visitor's chair next to it. "Severus? Are you awake?"

"Yes." Severus mumbled, arms folded across his chest as he lay on his side, "… Sir." He managed to add, opening his eyes which he had forced closed and sat up.

"How are you feeling?" Dumbledore asked softly, sympathetically.

Severus shrugged a shoulder slightly, not yet able to manage eye contact with Dumbledore. He could not give a simple answer, so he gave none at all.

"I'm sorry I was sharp with you before, the ... fear of losing Mr. Lupin was enough to shove aside my good sense at the time."

"I understand, Sir."

"I know discussing what has occurred is difficult, so I will ask you questions, and you only have to nod or shake your head in response. Is that alright?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Very well." Albus nodded, "Did Remus know you are aware of his condition?"

"Yes."

"Did you witness Remus eating or drinking anything unusual today?"

Severus thought back, shaking his head, "No."

"Good, good. Did Remus appear to regress to his other form before you were injured?"

"I wouldn't call it ... regress ... more ... possess."

"A more apt term indeed, thank you. Did this possession take place abruptly?"

"Not all at once- not like a light, turning on or off. More like ... seeing a torch come through the darkness, sometimes it’s closer, sometimes it’s further away. But yes- it was quick, though not instantaneous."

The headmaster nodded, "I see. Now, there are a number of things that can bring on this sort of rare episode for someone like Remus, it differs from person to person but generally a food allergy can provoke this, intense emotion, overwhelming stress, grief. When Remus began to change, was he emotional or fearful?"

The corner of Severus’s mouth tugged to one side at the good memory of what let up to, "Emotional." He settled on the word.

Dumbledore nodded, "Let me guess, he was emotional, began to change, and overpowered you ... perhaps harming you?"

"Yes."

"I thought so. Severus, when you saw Madam Pomprey and I working very hard on Remus when you came in, it was because magic would not work on his wounds, no potion, no spell, no charm we could think of. You can understand our concern and confusion. However, when Fawkes came in and looked at you, I remembered something, a rare technicality of spellcasting, if you will, and that is: when a witch or wizard attempts to end their life in order to save the life of someone they love- not just any sort of love, but a deep, enduring sort- the damage they caused to end their lives cannot be fixed by any means." Albus looked over at Remus quietly, "Except if their loved one intervenes somehow, letting them know that they will live, that they will be fine now whether the spell caster lives or dies. Then and only then can their life be saved. Do you understand?"

Severus was quite for a very, very long time, he swallowed as if to speak a few times, but only managed to exhale softly. Drawing up his knees, needing a change in position for his back, Severus finally spoke, "He loves me?"

Dumbledore nodded slowly, "It seems he loves you very, very much. Usually this power is limited to familial bonds, between brothers, children and parents, or perhaps husbands and wives in peril."

"I ... I didn't know."

Dumbledore just nodded, "I'm sure he would have told you on his own in good time."

"He won't ... not now, not if it's true ... chancing that he'll get emotional every time we're close. We can't be close."

"I don't know if it will happen every time, Severus, what happened occurred under specific conditions- time of day, what sleep he had the night before, his thoughts at the time. It is for you and Mr. Lupin to discuss when he wakes."

Severus nodded a little, crossing his arm over his chest, hand on his own shoulder.

"How do you feel, physically?"

Severus raised his eyes, meeting Dumbledore's gaze, but refusing this question.

"Do you need any medical attention that you haven't received yet?"

"I ... don't ... not that I am aware of."

"Good." Albus stood, "I'll leave you to rest, Severus, unless there is anything you'd like before I go."

"You- didn't write my parents, did you?" Severus sounded a different sort of uneasy now.

Albus shook his head, "No, no, you seem well enough to decide on informing them yourself. Don't you agree?"

"Yes, thank you, Sir."

Dumbledore rubbed Severus's shoulder softly, in support, "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Severus looked down and smoothed the crinkled blanket over his lap he had been fisting, he shook his head no, then was still thinking about it before he spoke, "No, Sir. But … thank you for asking."

"If you change your mind at any time, just tell Madam Pomprey you remembered the answer to a question I had, and she will send for me," he kept his voice soft, scooting his chair closer, sitting again, "please remember, Severus, that I have lived a long life, and nothing you can tell me about what happened would revolt me. I believe it was a sad accident in this case, but one of my siblings went through something very similar. I understand, as much as another person can understand, and what I don't understand, I'd like to hear, anyhow. Alright?"

"Yes." Severus thought to himself, then looked up at Dumbledore, "Yes, alright. Thank you, Sir."

Dumbledore nodded with a small smile and patted Severus's shoulder again as he stood, "I'll just be upstairs if you or Mr. Lupin would like to visit." Dumbledore took a last look at Severus and let himself out, his purple robes flowing behind him.

Severus watched Dumbledore go, seeing him as being someone a little more approachable now. Even just to be reminded that the older man had siblings made him more relateable, rather then to think of him like some mass of energy and magic which sprang forth from the earth one day; like those mythical stories when things could come from nothing. Once the man was gone, he turned over with a sigh and watched Remus in the cot beside him. His friend.

Remus's eyes were still closed and his chest was wrapped tightly in white bandages under the layers of blankets. The boy looked a little better now, not quite as waxy and corpse-like as he did a few hours prior. His long, sculpted looking hand lay on the top blanket, fingers twitching softly.

Severus eventually fell asleep like this, watching Remus. Imagining that he sat up and looked at him and smiled in that way that meant he was sorry and Severus would just smile back, that way that meant, _only you've seen me happy enough to smile anyway_.

 

* * *

 

When Remus did wake, no one noticed. Severus was sleeping and Madam Pomprey was in her small office yards away. The sheer whiteness of the hospital ward burned itself into his opening eyes, and he shut them again, hand moving over his chest at the rise of nauseating, dull pain that radiated in a messy line from just above one nipple to inches below his other. _I don't think Hell looks like the hospital wing. I must have lived_ , the werewolf thought with considerable surprise as his eyes adjusted and he looked around, "Hello?"

"… eh yh …" Severus mumbled in his sleep, condition to respond after years of having his sleep disturbed late at night.

"Severus?" Remus turned his head to see Snape laying in the next cot over, asleep, and waves of guilt washed over him. The Gryffindor sat up, turning his head away to vomit.

At the sound of wrenching Madam Pomprey raced out of her office with a bucket and supported Remus's chest as it heaved painfully. "Goodness, you're awake, thank Merlin, there ... that's alright, a little blood's expected, get it all out."

Severus was sitting up now too, his hair a mess. Half of it was pressed against the right side of his face, trying to go in one direction, while on the other side, it was a little tangled and pushed up, "Is Remus alright?" Severus asked, rubbing his eyes, only hearing the school nurse.

"He's awake-" She responded, rubbing Remus's back and helping him lay down again.

Remus kept his eyes closed, "Severus?"

"Yes …" Severus pushed his fingers through his hair and scratched the back of his head before he got up, moving to the chair Dumbledore had used earlier and turned it, sitting next to Remus’s bed.

Madam Pomprey left with the bucket, and Remus turned his head towards Severus, only opening his eyes a little after a long silence. Remus's eyes barely looked like his own any more, they were bloodshot enough to obscure the blue in them and as soon as he tried to speak, no sound left his lips, but tears began to course down his face and he just shook his head.

"Wh- what, no … no Remus … no. Don’t … don’t …" Severus reached over and took Remus’s hand, "I'm sorry … we’re both sorry … and … and I would have been very cross if you had died." He said, touching Remus’s hands, fidgeting with his fingers, kissing them lightly at the tips.

"No ..." Remus pulled his hands away, "don't ... I .. I'm sorry, I'm so incredibly sorry!"

"Remus." Severus sat up, "Remus stop it. I didn’t stop you … I didn’t stop myself either, I pushed you too far, that’s not your fault!"

"It IS my fault-" He shouted in a rough, crackling voice, "how in the WORLD can this not be my FAULT?"

"I didn't stop you ... I didn't even try, Remus ... I kept on kissing you ... even if maybe ... I shouldn't have ..."

"You have to stay away from me, Severus. I'm sorry."

Severus pulled away even further. "Don’t. Don’t say that Remus. Don’t- because, I’ll be careful, we’ll both be careful."

Remus covered his face with his hands, taking a few painful breaths to try and compose himself. "I can't ... I can't risk doing that to you again, Severus-" he whispered, "next time I might not stop ..."

"The circumstances weren't ideal Remus, but- maybe next time I wouldn't want you to stop."

"Severus ... " Remus shook his head, looking at him, "I .. I ... I .. raped you."

"Don't." Severus warned, "Don't use that word."

"I ... did ..." Remus gasped, ashen again, any color he had recovered gone from his agonized face.

"We got carried away. We- I never stopped you, _I never said no_ , I … it’s not that, don’t use that word. Don’t … don’t even think that when you look at me."

"You couldn't stop me, Severus!"

"Maybe not, but maybe I could have ... I didn't though, I didn't even try ..."

"I hurt you!"

"You didn't mean to. Did you?"

"No." Remus whispered, looking away, "Which is why ... we can't go on as more than friends, Severus. It's not safe."

"I'm not afraid of being hurt by you Remus ... not in that way." Severus lowered his tone, "I'm afraid of never being with you again."

Remus swallowed and looked up at the ceiling, "I could have killed you."

"You nearly killed yourself."

There was a moment's silence and Remus took as deep a breath as he could. "I know."

"Don't do it again."

Remus didn't respond, "I had to do it."

Severus looked down to his dry, rough hands, "I think you're worth the risk."

"I ... Severus-" Remus said sadly, "I just ... can't do this. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that loving me, means you can’t be around me." Severus stood, "And I'm sorry that we’ll not be together long enough for me to be able to say it."

Remus sat up with a gasp, and looked as though he were about to say something, but just watched Severus sadly. "I'm sorry too. I'm ... very sorry, Severus."

Severus just stood there, a long time, looking at Remus, recommitting each of his features to memory, every moment they shared together. Collecting it in his mind in a file marked: _my secret, Remus_. He hid it away in his mind, locking it safely so that he could revisit it; if he wanted to torture himself. But when he finally broke eye contact, he began to walk away in the borrowed, clean clothes from the school nurse that she had kept on hand. Returning to his little corner of hell, alone this time.

Lupin watched him leave, his literally broken heart pumping painfully with each second until, "WAIT!" He covered his mouth with a hand as though he couldn't believe the sound came from him.

Severus froze, his shoulders shaking, "What …?"

"Please," Remus whispered, "come back."

Severus bit at his lip, head hung before he turned and returned to Remus’s bedside, "What …" he breathed, his voice choked up in his throat.

"I'm sorry ..." Remus reached out and touched Severus's hand, "can you help me lay down again?"

Severus however could not get his hopes up so soon for a long time, but their fingers touched and held onto one another discreetly before Severus helped lay Remus back down, supporting the center of his back.

Remus sighed as he laid back down, relaxing a little into the pain, and he opened his eyes. Remus's hand didn't leave Severus's, he just tangled their fingers together, gazing up at the dark eyed boy, bewildered. "We can ... explore other options if you want to." Remus gave in quietly, with relief.

"I'd like that Remus." He squeezed his hand in place of being able to kiss him again.

"But I will never, never stop apologizing." He whispered, squeezing Severus's hand, "And I will never forgive myself."

"Shouldn't it matter if I forgive you?"

"I don't know yet." He murmured, his eyes like slate under half-open eyelids.

"Can I stay with you, here?"

"If it would make you happy" he nodded, "but really, all I'll do is sleep."

"I know ... and all I ever do is watch you."

"Severus ..." He half whispered, powerless to stop himself from smiling, "Are you going to be alright?"

"I will be, if you don't try and dismiss me again."

Remus nodded, "I won't. No killing myself, no dismissing-" he murmured dryly, "you won't let me have any fun at all."

"None. Not ever."

"Then I will punish myself further with your company." Remus half smiled.

"I know. It's horrible. All I ever do is impose myself on you. Talking your ear off. Gods, I never shut up."

"Chatterbox." Remus's eyes closed softly.

"Remus."

"Mmmhmmm ..." Remus pulled Severus's arm closer, hugging it gently.

Severus bent over him, kissing his temple, "Happy not-dying-day." He said, letting Remus use his arm like a teddy bear.

**Author's Note:**

> co-authored. originally written for thestralskinphoenixtears


End file.
